A reevaluation of (two kinds of) relationships

First kind

Last night, I had a weird set of emotions flowing through me – weird only because they were new, not because I thought they were wrong. First, I shared with T???? the short passage I’d written with 83 Ms. Perhaps it was me hoping to strongly that she would remark (directly) upon how it compared to V’s monologue from the movie ‘V for Vendetta’. Now that I think about it, T???? may have only been the usual inappropriately-unpredictable bitch she usually is, but I don’t care: her response drove me wild. I hope it stays that way, too.

I don’t know if I look like a merry-go-round on legs to some people, but I’ve had it. Some people are not worth it irrespective of how much I might need them. Be it M?, P????? and A????? for what they know about me, be it T???? for whatever I may have needed her for, be it anyone: I’ve realized that I’ve been a top-order fool to let myself be cowed down by my need to please others. More than the realization, more than the decision to “turn over a new leaf”, what’s important is that I continue to understand why it’s important to feel that way, to live that way.

Second kind

That, in turn, prompts me to think how honest I’ve been with my diary, how honest I will be. I who write this diary – is that “I” different from I who embrace the reality, the interpretations of the interactions with which fills up the diary? A day ago, since when the questions have been lounging in the back of my mind, I had this fleeting vision of three layers of existence that I may interact through with reality (at least as I perceive it): the Outermost layer, which is composed of all sorts of spontaneous activities that I must perform, do perform, with any or little reflection; the Middle layer, which is composed of elements such as honesty, reliability and punctuality, amongst others – those entities whose evaluation for the sake of the self involves a comparison against past precedents (or, those entities that exhibit hysteresis by way of being ‘path-dependent’); the Innermost layer, which constitutes (and is not composed of) the basal emotions such as joy, sorrow, anger, jealousy, etc. – those emotions that are directly influenced by variations in the quantity and quality of the spontaneous activities.

Why then don’t I place these emotions in the Middle layer? Because the constituents of the Middle layer influence my immediate responses to the spontaneous activities; it is the case of an extended cause-effect linkage. Just as in thermodynamics, where there are mass-dependent (extrinsic) and mass-independent (intrinsic) properties, in this structure of the psyche, there is the segregation of response-inducers (RIs) into low performance-dependency (LPD) responses and high performance-dependency (HPD) responses. The LPD responses are actuated by our “sense of the self” in the Middle layer and the HPD responses are actuated by our “sense of the self” in the Innermost layer.

The LPD responses that contribute greatly to the formation of my long-term goals are less easily influenced by day-to-day activities (likewise for HPD) and their subjugation in favour of the HPD responses has kept me happy, etc., on a day-to-day basis but has taken me nowhere I want to be in the longer run. Further (?!), I need to be reliable unto myself first, punctual unto myself first, honest unto myself first, and so forth.

And, to answer the question first asked, this blog (transcripted), I hope, remains both immanent to each layer and transcendental.

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